Wonderland, My Wonderland

 

I grew up a lonely kid, most of my hobbies till this day are stuff that I can do totally on my own. Although I didn't really learn how to be at peace with my own self till very recently. Reading was the only thing that helped, at least I get to be another person till I finish the book I'm reading.

Another escape that I genuinely admired was going to my grandparents' every weekend. I used to think that living in the city never really suited me, and I waited every week for the moment when I get to see my aunt and grandma. That meant a lot of good food, seeing lots and lots of beautiful sunsets, and standing on top of the stone wall to be able to see the whole green village. The latter became even more special after I wore my hijab because that was the only way my hair could breathe actual fresh air.

When it was the season of burning rice husks, I used to be so mad (and suffocated), i wished I could tell them all to stop, and that we could use what they're burning in a lot of other industries. But I remained silent, and mad. Yet negative feelings were very rare, because that was the only place I could call home.

Sometimes I go back to all these memories, and remember how much life was bearable because green existed everywhere, and because birds chirping was an everyday thing. Magical sunsets were a daily routine. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely in love with Alexandria, the sea, and all the beautiful architecture. Yet, something's missing.

Because when I go back to that time of my life, I hear my auntie's voice asking me if I were okay, I could hear her assuring me that it'd all be okay when I wasn't, and I hear my grandma's soft chuckles as she fried us her homemade falafel.

When I go back to these moments, I remember myself taking my favorite books to the nearest lake and sitting there in the quiet by myself, and people passing me by smiling at me, asking how my parents were. 

And when I go back to these memories, I grieve.

I go insane looking over and over again for the quiet that used to surround me.

And it doesn't seem like I will find it any time soon.