I Met My Younger Self For Coffee Today

 

I met my younger self for coffee today. She arrived 30 minutes earlier with a book in her hand, and headphones over her ears. Once she sat down, she opened her book, avoiding every possible eye contact. I arrived 10 minutes late. I sat down calmly and started to explain how the traffic was just insane. She was silent, staring at my pimples and messy hijab. I smiled: “yeah, we don’t really stare at ourselves in the mirror as much as we did back then.”.

The waiter came; she was too scared to order. “One chocolate milkshake for her and one mint tea for me, please”, I told him.

She smiled shyly, and I could see a lot of questions rising in her eyes. I got up and gave her a hug: “it’s okay, you can ask anything”.

 She told me how she was surprised I looked so lively; “did you finally know love?”

I smiled, I knew this one would break her, but I had to tell her we got our heart broken multiple times instead. “I’m still learning what my worth is”, I explained. She held my hand and smiled.

Slowly, that smile started to fade; “Do we now work in translation at least? Did you publish your first book just yet?”

“Nope, not yet. We didn’t even graduate yet. I’m sorry to disappoint you.”

I shifted my gaze to the floor, avoiding the disappointment in her eyes. I could only hear coffee machines. I wanted to scream and explain how we got to learn that life is so much more than that. I wanted to tell her that I too feel sorry we didn’t continue to be that special kid we once were, but I’m much more happier now. But I remained silent. I started to ground myself the way I recently learned.

“You know? I’m actually glad we didn’t kill ourselves, anything else past that can be achieved”, she said with a loving gaze.

I looked at her in disbelief, and I started to tear up a bit. The countless nights I spent trying not to give up started to play in my head like an old film. She got up and gave me the warmest hug I ever had in my life. Her arms felt like home.

“Do you know how many books we read? And that we like Umm Kolthom now? Oh oh… I gotta tell you about that adventure that day I went to Cairo on my own. You won’t believe it!! Oh also I gotta show you all of my friends’ pictures.”… and I started to tell her all about my little achievements.

For the first time, I saw a hint of a proud gaze in her eyes. She couldn’t believe we did all that.

“Looks like we got better at living. You realize that this is all what we wished from God to grant us?”, she said.

I smiled back at her; “We did. You’re right! We are no longer just surviving”.

We both looked around us and played our favorite guessing game: observing people and trying to analyze their thoughts. I started to guide her to close her eyes and smell the coffee, then to open her eyes, feel the texture of the table, and listen closely to the song playing and to tell me how it makes her feel. For the first time, she felt like she’s a part of life, not just an observer.

And for the first time in forever, as I said goodbye to her, I felt proud of myself, and all the little things.