An Unpaved Road

 

“Have you ever felt like you don't belong anywhere, and just want to live in a place where no one knows you?”

one-million-yen girl (2008) dir. Yuki Taneda

   The one-million-yen girl, Suzuko, is a 21-year-old girl that travels from one town to another running away from everyone, and most importantly, running away from herself. She takes different jobs, collects exactly one million yen, then moves on to the next town. She’s not looking for self-discovery or love along the way, she simply chose running away as a lifestyle.

   I admire that kind of films where nothing really happens, but at the same time everything happens. The film isn’t necessarily fast paced, it’s rather very slow, you think to yourself at some point how boring it is, then before you know it, the film leaves something in you that’ll probably be there forever.

   At some point in my life, I wished there was a reset button. Do I really belong in this place? Am I a good fit for what I’m doing now? Is this friend group a perfect match? A lot of questions run through my head, and they’re often met with a scary repeated sentence, “I was never good enough, am not good enough, and will never be good enough”. I learnt to control my thoughts, and the first step to do so is to let them run for a little time through the corners of your head, because burying how you really feel is never an option.

   Suzuko was lucky enough to have a reset button jumping from one place to another. Although she wasn’t really looking for self-discovery, she still didn’t resist what’s happening in her outer world, and she didn’t resist the effects on her inner world either. She was neutral. And in the end, she realizes that these experiences shaped her new self, where she became more connected to her heart and mind.

   Unlike Suzuko, I’m aware of all the adventure trains I hop on. I’m aware of what I lack and what I need to develop, and I do seek self-discovery. However, it’s an unpaved road. Maybe it’s easier to be ignorant… To go through the experience not knowing what to expect. But life isn’t supposed to be easy, that’s one thing I’m sure of ever since I was a kid.

   If you’re just like me, crossing an unpaved road, remember that it’s more than normal to struggle. I’m reminding you and me that it’s important not to resist all the changes happening around us or inside us. Let this unpaved road shape a part of you. It might hurt sometimes and it might feel like you’re not doing the right thing. And for that, I hope you have the right guidance beside you. If not, trust your guts. I know you’re doing your absolute best. You’ll get there, it just has to take time. It always does.