Dear Bluebird

 

"there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep."

-Charles Bukowski

Dear bluebird,

You've been living in my heart rent free for quite some time. I don't hate your existence, but I hate it when you take control of my body. Honestly, nothing good comes from that: My breath feels heavy. The colors fade. My legs become too heavy to walk. My heart aches. My eyes don't see the beauty of little things. Because of you, I become a puppet. I smile and laugh, but I'm not really there. As if I'm on autopilot mode.

But still, I'm thankful for you. Because when you decide to let me take control for a little bit of time, I start to appreciate things like I never did before. The colors seem to be more beautiful. The people look kinder. And I feel as light as a feather.

It's funny because I always thought that you're a monster, a terrible scary one, but as time goes and I start to know you better, I figure out every day that you're nothing but a small trapped bluebird. I want to set you free. But every time I do, you come back. I've been having so many bad days because you insist on coming back. I try not to let you in again, but apparently, you never left.. you were just taking a nap.

Dear bluebird, I'm starting to think differently about you. I think you're meant to be a part of me, forever. Maybe I should learn to cope with your existence instead of trying to let you go. So, since we'll be living together from now on, I think we need some rules. Could you please stop inviting your annoying friends? You know, the one that makes me anxious and the other one that make me hate who I am. At least for the meantime till I develop a healthy method to cope?

Dear bluebird, let's be good friends in the future.