A Suicide Note

 

   “Hey there! If you’re reading this, then it means I finally did it. I killed myself. I really did my best, I tried I swear I tried, but I never felt happy like people describe it. I’m sorry, mom for doing this. I’m sorry for being a bad daughter till the very end. I’m sorry, sister, you tried your best, so get over me as soon as possible. I’m sorry for letting everyone down. Nothing changes. In my best moments, I think of throwing myself away. The voice in my head keeps telling me to just do it. It’s been like that for years. Please make sure to tell my pen friends that I’m dead. But don’t tell **** and **** that I committed suicide. Because to them, I was someone that tried to convince them not to suicide.. I’m really sorry. I’m just done. I can’t do this anymore. Nothing changes.”

   That’s the last suicide note that I wrote before healing from depression. Nobody knew that it existed for obvious reasons: I’m still alive! You’d think that I wrote it before therapy, but it was actually during the process. Exactly after my third session. I had everything planned, with a blade under my pillow. I felt as if I was detached from reality. As if I never really existed. As if I was just in illusion. Tears were silently falling down on my face in my dark room. I held the blade tightly and cried even harder. There were so many voices in my head that night and I couldn’t bear it.

   Remembering that night kind of makes me suffocate a little bit. I always had the thought, but it was the very first time to be on the verge of killing myself. I don’t know for how many hours I stayed like that, with the blade held tightly in my hand. Probably two hours, or maybe three. I wanted to scream for help, but I couldn’t. I felt as if my soul was being taken slowly… and painfully. It was a nightmare. I wanted it to end.

   I would’ve vanished without saying goodbye to anyone. I would’ve vanished and left a big wound inside of the pure hearts of my loved ones. I don’t really know what stopped me that night, but what I’m sure of is that I’m thankful that I’m alive today.

   I’m really sorry if you relate to any of my words. I’m really sorry that you walk everyday with a heavy heart and a fake smile. But I’m here to tell you that it does get better. For years, I felt trapped in my own head. Sometimes I’d become numb and sometimes I wouldn’t stop crying. Sometimes I’d lose my appetite and sometimes I’d eat everything I lay my eyes on. But today, I finally feel light. And let me tell you, my friend, when your heart is as light as a feather, even sadness becomes simple and soft. Because deep down, you know it won’t last forever.

   Yes, I had depression for years and yes, I’m getting better. So will you! Life is hard, so the least that you could do is to have a healthy soul to be able to take life’s knocks. Don’t be scared to have hope. Have the courage to free your heart after you decide to put it in a cage. Your heart is willing to fly, so let it fly as high as possible. Break the walls you’ve been building for years. If you can’t do it alone, seek help from a specialist. I know it’s hard to ask for help, but sometimes, it’s the only right option. Set your soul free.

:)

 

P.S: If you’re looking for someone to listen or if you want to know more details about how therapy works, you’re always welcome to create a fake email and send me anonymously on: omegabun0@gmail.com

Or just DM me on any of my accounts on social media platforms. I’d be more than happy to help.