Inner Child

“Back then, we suffered a lot, looking up to the sky far, far away. The you of back then didn’t believe in the galaxy.”

-BTS (Inner Child)

 

From the very beginning, I knew that life was going to be hard and unbearable sometimes. I didn’t really have a normal childhood, but I think the majority is like this. I’m nothing special. The only downside is that when I look back, I only remember the bad memories that kept torturing me for years. The happy ones? I remember very few of them. In my early days, I had so much to worry about that I forgot to store the happy memories any person would remember.

I had anxiety about almost everything. My mom says that I was an ideal child that always tidied her room and did homework before lunch. I don’t really remember doing so, but one of the memories that never slipped my mind is just me setting in my room crying because… life is so hard. How did adults bear this life? I was around 7 back then. In my eyes, adults were heroes that won against life.

The normal thing a child that faced such things would do, which is another downside, is to blame himself. “Would they have been happy if I wasn’t born at all? Do I make them miserable just by existing?”, I had such thoughts. To be honest, that child is still inside of me, still hurting, but she’s realizing little by little that nothing was her fault and she’s slowly breaking free and giving herself the chance to heal.

Growing up with two homes, again, is nothing special. Adults used to tell me to try and make everything up between my parents. That’s one of the many things that gave me anxiety. They did put way too heavy weight on my tiny shoulders. I was in primary school back then, I wonder what exactly did they expect me to do? I know they had good intentions, but I wonder, if these adults tried to make me understand that it’s natural for some parents to part ways, would I still have struggled for many years? Would I still have treated this issue as a top secret and something that caused embarrassment?

I grew up, faced myself with the truth, “they will never get back together and that’s okay”, I told myself. As a plot twist, a new character appeared, one of the adults I loved dearly told me that what’s between a man and a woman is more than a kid like me would understand. He was so sure that my parents will get back together again. You’ll not read this and you probably don’t remember saying this to me, but I lived hoping that your words would become true someday. I kept waiting. I got mentally sick again because nothing was happening. I hope you’re not walking in the streets giving people false hope as it could be more dangerous than despair.

I started to think who was to blame? I had so much hatred towards the whole world. I had so much hatred towards myself. I was foolish and I said hurtful words to both of my parents, which they absolutely didn’t deserve to hear. They must have been hurt just like me, but I was too selfish to see that. The foolish girl yet grew up. Now I understand that it was the best decision. There is no one to blame, not even my siblings who I envied for growing up without me. If I get to choose my parents, I’d choose mine once again. They were able to bring us up in the best way possible. I hope they’ll get to focus on their happiness for the rest of their life, but who am I kidding? Whenever I ask them if they want to do something to make them happier, both of them tell me that our happiness is enough to make them happy.

Don’t worry, my story isn’t that gloomy because between all of this chaos, there was one person that saw my pain. Someone that genuinely cared about me. Someone that knew how I felt without the need to explain. My aunt was an angel. When I was a little kid, I used to use my Barbie phone to call her whenever something bad happened. And when I visited her on Friday, she’d start to ask me if something happened. She’d always try to make me talk about it. At some point, I was about to believe that the Barbie phone was a real one. How else did she know?

I lost my aunt back in 2014. Please remember her in your prayers. She is one of the strongest women ever. I’d be lying if I said that I completely got over her death, I think I never will. Whenever I miss her (and I always do), I close my eyes and remember how she used to smile at me and how she got worried about me that one time I traveled all alone to go see her. She made me fried eggs that day. She took care of me when I felt like my grades dropped a bit. She made me something warm that day. She was the best when it comes to advice. She was the family’s free therapist although she was struggling so much herself.

Auntie, if I ever have kids, I’ll tell them stories about you just like how you told me stories about grandpa. Thank you for being the only one that reached her hand to me when everything was tough. I hope you’re enjoying your time in heaven with the people you always missed. I bet you guys have a party together every night!

“My aunt would have been proud of me too. My aunt would have eased my pain a little if she was here.”, I have such thoughts. I will continue on living my life and remember her in every situation and… smile. I’m the luckiest to have had such an angel as my aunt. 

 

“Now I hope that we laugh a lot. It’s going to be okay because the me of today is okay.”

-BTS (Inner Child)