If I Were To Die Tomorrow

What would happen if people were able to see their own death? Would anything change? I thought about this a lot. People even invented the YOLO “You Only Live Once” rule to encourage people to live today as if it were the last day of their life. But, do people actually do so? Don’t they always think that they got more time and that it’s okay to be lazy today? I honestly do the same. There is always a small part of me that believes I got more time. I don’t think I’d do the same if I knew I’d die tomorrow for real. What is death anyway? I think I first asked myself this question when I first experienced loss. Why, at some point in life, do the people that make it easier for you die? One day, you’re talking to them and they are talking back, then the next day, they are simply gone. Once you experience losing a loved one, nothing will ever be the same. You start to mature and somehow you learn how to live on with a missing piece of your heart.

How would I spend my last day if I knew I’d die tomorrow? How would I react if I was able to see my death? Would I try to avoid it? Would I accept it? There are a lot of things I’m curious about. Who would I choose to spend my last hours with? Would I prefer to just spend it alone? I think I’ll open the door for my imagination and let myself think of every possibility.

These days, we’re all locked down. People we know or don’t know are dying every day. I think that’s what made me think of these questions. Would I spend it regretting the things I didn’t do? There are few people that I hurt through my life although I didn’t mean to. Would I spend the day thinking of them? I might really think of them. Although it took me so much time to heal, although they did hurt me as well, I think I’d still blame myself a little. I was able to get back up, what about them? Were they able to do the same?

One of the things that I’m sure I’d do is to see my dad and spend a little time with him. I spent my whole life not knowing who he really is on the inside. What does he like? What does he hate? I’d regret the times I told him many hurtful words. I wouldn’t blame myself either for I was young and damaged. Now that I grew up a little, I understand him. I’m not that angry child that hates everything and everyone anymore. I’d take him out to a restaurant and maybe visit a zoo together. I don’t want to spend the time regretting, instead I want these last minutes to be well spent. I’d want the last memory of me to remind him forever that I’m not mad at him anymore and that I love him so much.

I think I know now that I wouldn’t spend it all alone. I know how much it hurts to lose someone without having the chance to say goodbye, so I’d let those who love me see me for the last time. Once I’m dead, I’m dead. Everything stops for me, but for those who will remain alive, things might differ. I’d want to leave a happy last memory to help them get over my death as quick as possible. I’d want them to go on with their lives and become the happiest human beings.

When I was young, I always thought of my death and mother’s death. Do you know how some children are obsessed with checking if their mothers are still breathing? I was always like that. I was always afraid of losing her. What would I do if she’s suddenly gone? I’d be so broken. That’s why I always prayed, as a child, to die before my mother. But I also thought that she’d be deeply hurt if I died first. Okay so please, God, let us die at the same time! None of us would be hurt like that! That was the best childish solution I thought of. I know that life doesn’t work this way, so I hope that we live together for the longest time possible. But If I were to die tomorrow, I’d hug my mother a million times to feel the warmth she always surrounded me with. I’d tell her that she’s the strongest woman I’ve ever known and the best mother one could ever have. Although she’s not perfect and neither am I, she has a heart big enough to forgive me every time I make a new mistake.

If I were to die tomorrow, I’d tease my sister over and over again. That’s actually what I do almost every day. I’d call my brother and see his little loving family one more time. Both of my siblings had a great impact on me. Despite the age difference, I was able to collect some few cherished memories with them. And I know they think of me as a little daughter not a sister. I also want them to know that if I hadn’t been surrounded by outstanding people like them, I would have taken much more time to become the person I am today.

I’d spend time with my best friend that is more like a sister to me. I’d make sure to make her smile a lot because she deserves to. I’d tell her for the last time how much I love her and how much I appreciate her existence in my life. Maybe we’d eat ice cream while watching a movie, then we’d buy the whole supermarket and eat as much as we want, exactly like every time we see each other.

I’d also call all my good friends to hear their voices one last time. I do hate phone calls, but as it’s going to be the last day, I have to at least let myself hear their voices. I’m thankful for everyone who entered my life. None of them were bad, even those who caused pain. That’s just life. No one deserves to be tortured for life for a little mistake they made. If you’re reading this and you think you’re a bad person, I hope you take your time to heal and finally realize that you’re not. For now, let me just tell you that you’re not a bad person to me.

When it’s finally the time of sunset, I’d like to spend it alone in that place I love the most in my hometown. Surrounded by all the green fields, I’d listen to my favorite music and read a book. In that place, I’d feel the warmth of my aunt’s soul. I’d spend the night watching movies for the last time.

After writing all of this, I realized that my everyday life is almost the same. Only some details are missing, so I guess I know now what I’ll be working on for the next few months! I hope you and I live a long life filled with love. I hope you and I, who are reading this, get the chance to make up for our mistakes before it’s too late. I hope you read as many books and watch as many movies as you want before you die. And I hope you realize the inner peace you always long for.