My 2019 Self

Last year was absolutely a tough one. A lot of bad things happened. People died. I felt like a disappointment so many times. I guess I had social anxiety because all I did was sit in the corner reading a book or listening to music. I was so afraid of social interactions, even the small things like buying something. It wasn’t fully black though, you could say it was dark gray.

During that year, I tried to challenge myself to get over my anxiety so many times. I remember that day I challenged myself when I got the full mark in physics after a failure. I went to Mcdonald’s and bought a Mcflurry for myself. Ordering and sitting all alone can be the biggest challenge ever, I’m sure a lot of people with social anxiety can relate. I was so proud of myself that day. Not because I got the full mark, but because I ordered and sat all by myself! I never stopped enjoying my time alone since then. It was also the first time ever to reward myself and think that I really did well. I got over my anxiety now and I’m stronger mentally because one day I decided that I want to live my life to the fullest. I decided to win this battle against myself and I did. I still sometimes hate myself and wish the worst for me, but I’m learning to gradually befriend me. I’m learning to love myself step by step and I’m absolutely not in a hurry. What’s built in years will take its time to heal.

That year, I realized that I can walk fast. I was used to walking a pretty long distance to make my head clear. As a high school senior in Egypt, there was no time to be sad because I always got an exam the next day. I remember that time mom saw me walking, she was worried because why would someone walk that long distance in the 21^st century when you can easily take a bus or something? She thought walking a lot could disturb me from studying well or make me weaker. It has always been the opposite, walking has always made me feel good and less stressed.

Thankfully, being a high school senior only happens once in your lifetime. I was away from my best friend and I couldn’t open up to her like I used to. Not because she didn’t want to listen, she was always ready to, but I found it so hard for some reason. I’m sure it was as hard for her. We still got over that and we got over all the awful things that happened after. In case you’re reading this, I’m really glad we made it and I’m really proud of you.

I could never forget that friend called Manar, who is always trying to be strong. She always tells herself some motivational words to keep herself going. She overcame it all well. I remember that day when we ran at night. Honestly, how could I even forget that? It was after our English class. I had so much fun and it was refreshing. She was stressed that day and so was I. We didn’t care about the weird looks people gave us. In such a society, girls can’t run like that in the street. But really, we didn’t care. We just… ran! She made it easier for me through the year. I’m not talkative and I don’t easily open up, but she made it easier by just existing. Having someone to buy ice cream with at winter was nice. And of course she was the one who ordered!

I used to panic over the little things, such as my teacher looking at me and shaking his head out of disappointment because I got 54.4 out of 60 or because I woke up 15 minutes before my class began. I even sometimes missed classes just because I was worried I might arrive late. “What if my teacher scolds me? What if he makes fun of me in front of everyone?”, I always had thoughts like that. I realized after that this was my sick brain because none ever scolded me for arriving late. The sure thing about most high school teachers is that they make you more stressed than you should be. Sometimes when things got really tough, I used these apps that allow you to talk to strangers about your problems. Total strangers from different countries helped me relax and get back on the track. Not my family, not my friends and not my teachers… total strangers. I think it was mainly because I can’t open up easily. I tend to keep it on the inside till I’m about to explode. That’s when I need somebody to talk to, somebody that will forget it all right after I tell them what’s wrong. I always feared that I might be a drama queen in the eyes of others because as I said before, I panicked over everything, so I preferred to talk to strangers that were interested in psychology or studying it. I was sure they would understand.

My mother never told me to study through the year. While others were complaining about their parents making them feel pressured, my mother was dealing with it as if it was a normal year. Honestly it was! Having no pressure at home allows you to study better because the stress teachers cause is more than enough. The only class I never felt pressured at was English. My teacher was nice and very good at his job. It was also my favorite subject and the thing I enjoyed the most.

I had troubles with my hand a weak before exams started. It started to hurt, not so bad but enough to not be able to hold the pen properly. I think it was out of stress only. The first exam night, I asked my sister to ask me some questions and the surprise was that I couldn’t answer them. I burst out crying. A while after, BTS released a song called “A Brand New Day”, a song about dreams. It helped me relax and I revised everything all over again. (Thank you, BTS!!) I didn’t achieve my dream though, but this is for another blog post!

Before going to sleep, my primary school science teacher called me and asked me if I was ready for the exam. His call didn’t stress me at all. On the contrary, I was so happy that he called. My primary school teachers are truly the best and they never forget us. They helped form who I am today. I’m sure if I hadn’t had awesome English and Arabic teachers back then, I wouldn’t have grown up loving languages this much.

That year gave me a lot of personal experience. I’m thankful for that, but I’m also happy it ended. It seems like 2020 isn’t easy either, nothing gets easier, but I surely became a little stronger. I changed a lot, laughed and cried a lot. I’ll keep changing as long as I’m alive, hopefully for the best. If I get to advise my 2019 self, I would tell her to take everything easy and that only her noticed these small details that stressed her out. But I wouldn’t forget to reassure her that everything will be fine soon. She would probably kick me out for saying such a thing, but it’s the truth. I wouldn’t forget to tell her that I’m proud she kept going till the end…

To all the high school seniors out there, keep it up! I know it's even harder for you during COVID-19, but remember to take everything easy. Soon enough everything will get better.

           “Dream, may you fully bloom after all the harsdhips”.

                                                                                      -Agust D, So Far Away